Loveline: The Big Break Up Edition

February 1, 2008

Being dumped can be terrible. Dumping someone can be terrible. While neither party is happy during the dumping, in the long run both may be happier. Well there is an awesome website “So You’ve Been Dumped

It covers all the important bases of dumping, like what books to read or music to listen to. It has humor and advice. It has good break lines (some good in the true sense, but mostly good in the funny sense).  For example, the site suggests Billie Holiday’s –“Good Morning Heartache ” as a post break up song. I would like to share my suggestion, Ani Difranco’s “untouchable face”.  One of the books it suggests is Exorcising Your Ex – Elizabeth Kuster . My suggestion is It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken – Greg and Amiira Behrendt.

Harsh Break Up Lines:

“Dating you is killing who I am.”

“I have lost all romantic feelings for you completely, and I desire no future relationship with you.”

“She’s exactly like you used to be – before you became a bitch.”

“I think you love me more than I love you.”

“The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you.”

“I don’t think you have it in you to be a good mother. When I thought about marrying you, I only thought about whether you’d make a good wife…I didn’t think about whether you’d make a good mother too.”

“Really, it’s not you, I’m just going through a selfish phase…”

“I think we have three choices: 1) stay together, 2) take a break, or 3) break up entirely, and I want 2 or 3.”

Nicole’s Top Five Tips for Breaking Up

1.  Tell your mutual friends what you are thinking, make them swear to secrecy, and then give it a little time, at least one of them will give him/her a heads up.  Maybe they will dump you first, or at least they won’t look like a deer in the headlights.

2.  DO NOT START DATING ANYONE ELSE until it is completely over, if you have already started dating someone else then LIE

3.  Cry before they do.

4.  If you do it close to a holiday, you are a jerk and yes you still have to get a present.

5. His/Her friends, relatives, and coworkers are off limits for a time period equal to or greater than the duration of your relationship (exception-when your ex gets engaged/married)

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21 Things Men Need to Know about Women

October 5, 2007

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    I came across a list of 50 things women wished men knew (LINK). These are the ones I personally find true. I love how some are incredibly stereotypical of women and some I think men would have no clue about. But in both situations I think they generally hold true. Obviously not all women are as insecure as some of the list would suggest, but honestly a lot of us are. 

    As always I think many of the “things women wish men knew” is translatable to my gay and lesbian readers.  For lesbians you would think both know everything on the list and would be careful not to hurt each others feelings as  much as straight couples, or that the communication would be somehow better.  But I can tell you first hand that I have done things counter to the list which have gotten me in trouble, and Christina has also not taken the extra second to think where I might be coming from before she says something.  For gay men, you are practically women anyway, just kidding, sorta.  But my gay boys out there, you know you can be sensitive about looks and insecure about if your partner is still into you too.

1. Saying “I love you” immediately before, during, or following sex doesn’t count.

5. I’m convinced I’m pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

9. I’m terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

13. I’m scared of losing my independence.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I’m not. (See directly above.)

20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.

33. You’re sexy when you’re shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.

34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you–and for you to recognize this.

44. I like porn.

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

47. It’s cheating as soon as you’re doing something with her that you wouldn’t want me to see, hear, read…

48. For the record: I’d rather you break up with me than cheat.

49. I remember everything about our relationship.

 

 


Sex Tips

October 3, 2007

I got the message. My two previous sex posts (homemade porn tips, and tips from porn for good girls) were two of my most popular posts ever.

You want sex. Nay, you need sex. Well always looking to please my readers, who are apparently always looking to please someone in their life, I’ve decided to post a more extensive sex tip article. Today I am taking notes from bible of sex tips, Cosmo. Cosmo split the tips into categories: Get Him Riled Up, Feisty Foreplay, Getting it On, His Down There Domain, and Kink it Up. They are tips men sent in for women. Now from the multitude of tips found within their website, I’ve tried to pick what I found the best.

This selection was based on four factors:

  1. Did I feel it was translatable to my gay and lesbian audience well? (I would never forget you kids)
  2. Would I personally find the item sexy or enjoyable?
  3. Did it make sense?
  4. Was it clean enough that I wouldn’t feel bad if kids stumbled on here, but dirty enough to entice my adult readers?

Before you continue, these are tips for adults. For my more adventurous adult readers check out the actual site (Cosmo Article) they have the really juicy tips, with the specifics of what to put where and how to…..

Get Him Riled Up (or Her)

“When I lean in to kiss you, hold the back of my head gently in your hand. It’s tender yet sexy.” – Donny, 34

“The night after I got a big promotion my girlfriend said she was going to give me only oral sex all night.” –Ken, 32.

“If we’re somewhere semi-public and can’t go at each other, press your hips against mine.” –Henry, 25

Feisty Foreplay

“Do what my first girl did: Moan my name while I pleasure you.” –Eddie, 28.

“My current girlfriend treated me to a ‘bed dance’: she had me lie on my back while she slowly rubbed herself along my chest, stomach…” –Arlo, 27

“My girl pretended not to want to kiss me. I had to use my tongue to pry her mouth open passionately.” –Ron, 25

Getting It on

(Most of the tips were too graphic, I picked two tame ones)

“Tell me to get undressed but to keep my tie on. Pull on it to bring me closer to you.” –Ted, 31.

“When you’re near the point of no return, whisper four letter words into my ears –the really dirty ones.” –Fred, 23.

Down There Domain

(too graphic and really only applicable to men)

Kink It Up

“My fiancé will blindfold me and rub her body across my face. I can only use my mouth and tongue to identify what I’m feeling” –Carter, 29.

“One night, my girlfriend stopped the action and pointed to the camera she’d set up in the corner.” –Justine, 21

“My ex would me at local dive bars and pull me into the restroom for raunchy, against-the wall sex.” –Max 21.

“Treat your guy to sex under water. With your bodies feeling so weightless…” –Mark, 29

“Morning sex please” –Charlie, 26

“While we’re driving alone on a back road, ask me to pull over and then jump into my lap. You’ll be fulfilling my teenage fantasy of getting busy in my care.” –Jason, 34.