I need an Australian barmaid

October 29, 2007

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CANBERRA (Reuters) – An Australian barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts while an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend’s nipples, police said Wednesday.

Police in Western Australia said the 31-year old barmaid pleaded guilty in the local magistrate’s court to twice exposing her breasts to patrons at the Premier Hotel in Pinjarra, south of the state capital, Perth.

The woman “is alleged to have also crushed beer cans between her breasts during one of the offences,” in breach of hotel licensing laws, police from the Peel district of Western Australia said in a statement.

The barmaid and the hotel manager were both fined A$1,000 ($900), while an off-duty barmaid was fined A$500 for helping to hang spoons from the woman’s nipples, police said.

“It sends a clear message to all licensees in Peel that we will not tolerate this type of behavior in our licensed premises,” local police superintendent David Parkinson said.


Gay SEX tips

October 24, 2007


For those of you familiar with about.com they have “how to” and Q&A on pretty much every topic in the world. They have a particularly elaborate “Lesbian Life” section. I highly recommend checking it out: http://lesbianlife.about.com/.

There are articles on all sorts of topics including: Top Lesbian Halloween Costumes, Planning Lesbian Weddings, and Good Fall Dates

But what are always the funniest articles are the sexual “how to” articles, they range from normal girl-girl sexing, to bring toys into the bedroom, to all out fisting (eek!). But what I was looking for was just a list of tips, since I have posted lots of straight sex tips. Figured it was about time to rep the lezzies. What I found was a list of first time girl sexing tips. I think it is funny how predictable women are. The tips relate to typical women things like comfort, communication, and emotional well being. But they do make sense and I agree with the tips, although I would have added “keep it simple” and “think about what you like”.

Here are the about.com top ten tips (lesbians):

1. Get to know your own body.

2. Go sober.

3. Go Safe.

4. Fantasize.

5. Leave the toys in the drawer.

6. Relax.

7. Communicate.

8. Have realistic expectations.

To contrast I decided to look up tips for gay man first time sex. To my shock aside from references in coming out articles, there was a general lack of gay male first time sex articles. (Although there was an abundance of first time articles about fisting, kink, and threesomes). I don’t believe that all gay men are hoes, I personally know the world’s oldest gay virgin, and so I decided the nice gay boys need a list of their own.

So here are my tips for your first time (gay guys):

  1. Tell the other person it is your first time
  2. Bring SEVERAL condoms, you never know what is gonna happen
  3. DO NOT try to imitate porn
  4. Try to relax (I suggest thinking about what’s on tv if you start to get nervous)
  5. If you’re feeling unsure about it, wait, there will always be willing and able guys out there
  6. Turn the lights out!
  7. If you have crusty feet, keep your socks on
  8. Do not assume he loves you or will even call you again if you haven’t been dating for a while
  9. Be willing to laugh (not at the other person) if something doesn’t work. Sex is funny, it’s part of life.
  10. Have fun, and don’t forget to tell your fag hag the details!

Lipstick Lesbians Beware

October 15, 2007

To all my lady readers, well those who like to look lady like, there is some potential bad news.  Luckily I have nothing to worry about.  Although I rarely encourage supporting the vegan hipsters, maybe organic based and/or US produced lipsticks or glosses might be a good idea until this is checked out.  Its not the companies in the United States putting the lead in (although their negligence is to blame) it is the raw materials from places like China.  As my pharmaceutics professor always says, “you can’t buy your materials in China, they’d sell you arsenic if you had cash.”

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WASHINGTON: The United States will review an advocacy group’s findings that lipstick sold under brand names including L’Oréal and Cover Girl contained potentially dangerous levels of lead.

Twenty of 33 brand-name lipsticks had detectable levels of lead in the tests, according to the Campaign for Safe Cosmetics. The Food and Drug Administration has collected lipstick samples for testing to follow up on the group’s results, although the agency has not found dangers previously, said an FDA spokeswoman, Stephanie Kwisnek.

The levels of lead found by the cosmetics group in the lipsticks – ranging from 0.03 part per million to 0.65 part per million – have the potential to increase risks of health hazards, said Joel Schwartz, a professor of environmental epidemiology at Harvard University. Long-term exposure to lead can result in higher blood pressure, kidney damage and loss of mental function.

U.S. sales of lipstick totaled $2 billion in 2006, with 270 million individual containers sold, according to Kline & Co., a consulting and research firm in Little Falls, New Jersey.

Warning: Think before kissing that hot lipstick lesbian from the club, she might give you lead poisoning.  Think, damn that would be worth it.


Like Damn that’s Hott

October 8, 2007

These are my two current obsession songs (they have been on repeat all morning). The first song is Missy Elliot, Lil Kim, and Keyshia Cole. It is a combination of things I like. It is a fun rap (as opposed to violent), it is all ladies with a female empowerment vibe, it has crazy ass missy elliot laughing, it has keyshia cole’s strong voice, and lil kim’s spunk. I don’t have the mp3 so here is the video, which is worth checking out anyway. I totally rocked out to his on the way to school this morning, it put me in the mood to learn.

I also like this song by Emmy Rossum called “slow me down”.

Both videos are using sex to sell music. and it works. the first video has a hot club scene with pretty girls dancing, you can’t really go wrong with that. the second video is pretty calm, but emmy rossum is sexy enough walking around.


Q&A with a sex genius/life expert

October 6, 2007

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I love the Men’s Health site. While most of the things I have come across are targeted at men about women, I think they still funny/worthwhile. They have a section of ask the Sex Professor (here) and a section about asking Jimmy The Bartender (here), both provide quality answers to readers questions. But what makes reading the questions so enjoyable is sometimes the readers ask the weirdest/grossest/funniest/or most obvious questions. The experts take them in stride and provide helpful, well phrased answers. On the actual site the Sex Expert answers hundreds of questions about every range of sexuality, including positions, techniques, history, science, and relationship advice. Jimmy The Bartender gives out general life advice, mainly related to relationships but also about friendship, parenting, and dealing with co workers. He gives surprisingly good answers and deals with some serious problems like alcoholism and death. To give you a sampling, I have listed a question with a funny/obvious answer, a weird question, a TMI question, a medicine question and a good to know anatomical question. To give you a heads up, this artice is for adults. They talk about naughty bits.

Q: My girlfriend knows that I bought her an engagement ring, and ever since, she’s been acting bitchy. Is she going to say no?

Jimmy The Bartender® Answers:
Other night, taking the subway home, I’m waiting on the platform. I’m waiting, and waiting. Half an hour, then 40 minutes, and I think, I could’ve walked home by this time. Was I annoyed? Yes. But I also knew that it was a mistake to leave, because I knew it was going to come eventually, and I really wanted to ride that train. I think your girlfriend feels the same way. Women are gentle creatures. I think if she were going to say no, she would’ve left by now to spare you some embarrassment. My guess is that she’s just antsy. She wants you to pull up, open the doors, and invite her along for a great ride.

Q: Why do wet dreams stop? How can I get them back?Ask the Sex Professor Answers:
Although wet dreams are most common during puberty, for some they continue into adulthood. Dry spells (times of little or no masturbation or sex) can result in wet dreams, so you may need to choose between sleeping and waking orgasms. Wet dreams can also be triggered by friction or a full bladder. If you don’t mind risking a midnight bathroom run, try drinking water before bed to see if your dreams become hyperrealistic.
Q: Ever since my girlfriend started taking birth-control pills, she seems to want sex less often. Are they related?

Jimmy The Bartender® Answers:
Unfortunately, yes. The estrogen contained in most birth-control pills may lower levels of free testosterone, which is associated with libido. Others suggest that the blame may be misplaced, as sexual frequency tends to decline in long-term relationships anyway, Pill or no Pill. Desire and interest may also be influenced by stress, fatigue, depression, medications, and relationship issues. So, if she’s willing, attack the problem on several fronts. Ask about lower-estrogen pills, hit the gym, and consider therapy appointments with either a psychologist or a sex therapist.
Q: I’m hung like a blimp. Even jumbo condoms sometimes break. How can I have safer sex if the condoms I’ve tried don’t work?

Jimmy The Bartender® Answers:
Poor guy. Sometimes a kielbasa can be a curse. Condoms like Lifestyles XL, Trojan Magnum, and Durex XXL give most men the breathing room they need; applying a water- or silicone-based lubricant to the outside (making sure to reapply during particularly long or vigorous bouts of sex) can further reduce friction and breakage risk. If that doesn’t work, a more tailored option is TheyFit condoms, which come in 55 sizes. Download a Fit Kit fromwww.condomania.com.
Q: My girlfriend has extremely hot friends, and we’re going on a beach trip. I’m worried about getting an erection. Is there anything I can do to control it?

Ask the Sex Professor Answers:
It’s best to have a multipronged approach: baggy swim trunks, dips in cool water, Jedi mind tricks (think about work), and a preregistered excuse: Tell your girlfriend you’re worried about driftwood because you can’t stop thinking about how hot she looks in a swimsuit.
Q: My girlfriend says her breasts are too big to have sensitive nipples. Can this be true?

Ask the Sex Professor Answers:
Sure. Larger breasts (C or D cups) are generally less sensitive than smaller ones. It’s thought that there’s some nerve-fiber damage associated with stretched skin and connective tissue. But don’t despair. Though the nipple and areola–which many men focus on–are low on sensitivity, the top of the breast is highly sensitive. Explore her northern hemispheres or, if she’s game, apply flavored, menthol-infused, sensitivity-boosting Bosom Buddy (pureromance.com) to her nipples and areolas. But if she’s not aroused by breast play, move on. You have an entire body to savor.


Perfect Date Tips for the Clueless

October 5, 2007

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This is a list of 20 tips to the perfect date, they are geared at the first date. I would think almost all of them are common sense, but what I am gathering about men is that they know little to nothing. Sorry boys. But boys want sex and girls want sex with a good relationship so you are looking for different things on a first date. Here you go:

By: Samantha Daniels (LINK)

1. It’s okay to suggest a drink instead of dinner for a first date. She dreads a boring four-course ordeal, too.

2. Call her by early evening on Monday to confirm a Tuesday get-together. (Weekends aren’t for first dates.)

3. Leave your home and work numbers. No home number and she’ll assume you have a wife or girlfriend.

4. If you want to keep the plans a surprise, at least clue her in as to what to wear. You do not want an overdressed, overstressed woman navigating the Talladega pits in high heels

5. Yes, she’ll notice if the date location you’ve chosen is conveniently around the block from your place.

6. Don’t assume that just because you’re out with a beautiful woman, she knows how pretty she looks — she wants to hear it from you.

7. Ask if she’s too cold or too warm, and if changing the temperature is in your power, fix it.

8. Men judge women according to whether they can picture having sex with them; women judge men by whether they can imagine kissing them. White teeth, fresh breath, and unchapped lips make her more apt to pucker up.

9. Do not ask her, “So, what kind of music do you like?” The last 25 guys asked that. Be original.

10. She loves when you insist on ordering dessert. Sharing = extra sexy.

11. Tip well: Grab the check, mentally divide the bill by 10, double that number, and throw down the tip. Do it quickly but casually. Believe me, she’ll be watching.

12. If she touches your arm, she’s interested; if she touches your leg, she’s interested tonight.

13. When in doubt, hold her hand.

14. Very small protective gestures go a long way and show her you’re a gentleman: Offer your arm as she’s stepping from a curb, direct her away from shards of broken glass aka Say Anything. She’ll notice if you wait until she’s safely in her car or house before you leave. Wait the extra 90 seconds, and next time you might be going in with her.

15. She expects you to know her eye color after the first date.

16. Women need momentum — without it, they lose interest or wonder if you have. Momentum = a minimum of one date a week, plus a couple of phone calls in between.

17. She knows that when you invite her over for a homemade meal or to watch a movie, it’s code for “tonight is hook-up night.” Don’t play this card any earlier than date three.

18. A Friday or Saturday night is required by date four. Otherwise, she’ll wonder who else you’re seeing.

19. Rule of Groping: If anything happens that couldn’t be shown on prime-time TV, call her the next day. Otherwise, she’ll feel cheap and used.

20. Don’t say, “I’ll call you,” if you have no intention to. She’d prefer that you say nothing at all.

Good luck in life and love. The bold ones are the ones that would critical on a date with me.


21 Things Men Need to Know about Women

October 5, 2007

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    I came across a list of 50 things women wished men knew (LINK). These are the ones I personally find true. I love how some are incredibly stereotypical of women and some I think men would have no clue about. But in both situations I think they generally hold true. Obviously not all women are as insecure as some of the list would suggest, but honestly a lot of us are. 

    As always I think many of the “things women wish men knew” is translatable to my gay and lesbian readers.  For lesbians you would think both know everything on the list and would be careful not to hurt each others feelings as  much as straight couples, or that the communication would be somehow better.  But I can tell you first hand that I have done things counter to the list which have gotten me in trouble, and Christina has also not taken the extra second to think where I might be coming from before she says something.  For gay men, you are practically women anyway, just kidding, sorta.  But my gay boys out there, you know you can be sensitive about looks and insecure about if your partner is still into you too.

1. Saying “I love you” immediately before, during, or following sex doesn’t count.

5. I’m convinced I’m pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

9. I’m terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

13. I’m scared of losing my independence.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I’m not. (See directly above.)

20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.

33. You’re sexy when you’re shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.

34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you–and for you to recognize this.

44. I like porn.

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

47. It’s cheating as soon as you’re doing something with her that you wouldn’t want me to see, hear, read…

48. For the record: I’d rather you break up with me than cheat.

49. I remember everything about our relationship.